Posted: January 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

You know I got to thinking about life. I think a lot about myself sometimes to make up for the fact I am so outgoing and radical but very lonely after my exciting adventures. I constantly strive to improve my relationship with God and I often act on my own instincts in ways that aren’t really anything more than acts of selfishness for attention even with my kind deeds & giving servicing attitude. Nobody owes me anything unless they think they can take advantage of me because we all owe each other the right to live peacefully. I sometimes take it upon myself to go to great lengths to make social change in hopes people will believe in me and pay it forward and choose me to be a leader with more power and responsibility. In life I often feel alone in this perspective like most people just revolve around their days and their days revolve around them but they have no choice in the way the world around them exists other than to accept it. I look at life like a bicycle race as a kid. I always wanted to ride fast enough to be the fastest rider. You are the leader. As a kid I might take the wrong path and all of a sudden I was in last place. Life to me is about finish lines. If you have no destination and no time restraint or competitors you’re just riding to get to where you’re going. Why? Why do anything or go anywhere? Most people do everything because it makes them feel good. I like to always feel good. When I start a challenge feeling good and perform well and feel good after the fact then I win and I will feel good for the next challenge I set for myself. If I lower my self esteem and doubt myself before I challenge myself I get a feeling of reward based on rising to a good level again. I often reflect as to why I choose this philosophy. The answer is so I never lose even if I do. I choose to not glorify glory. As a kid people would ask why I don’t celebrate when I score a goal. To me it was because it wasn’t good enough to score a goal. It had to be a nice goal, an important goal, or an earned goal. Many times I wouldn’t celebrate because I would think of my parents and scoring a goal wouldn’t change the fact they divorced and I live in separated families. Scoring a goal wouldn’t mean that girl I like would like me for who I was but she might think for a second just because I got some attention & small fame. Thinking back to the race course when you’re crossing the finish line in first place afterwards you coast and look back over your shoulder in accomplishment and you keep riding without a sense of purpose. I would think what should I do now that I won the race? Keep riding? As a kid I would race back to the starting line for the rematch and let kids get a head start at the mark get set go. That would confuse them and make them feel good to be ahead until I passed them. So to me finish lines became pointless but not having them was pointless too. I always liked speed but feared fast cars, motorcycles, and roller coasters. The rush and fast moving reflexes made me feel happy as a kid because I always thought, talked, and calculated things faster than others. When I first learned to ride a two wheeler the other kids made fun of me because I was scared to fall which I did a few times and was cut & bruised. I gave up sort of like when I first struggled to read at the same level of my peers in grade school. Then I read out loud in class more than anyone and with such articulation, focus, delivery, and speed when necessary. I even excelled at reading out loud in Spanish. So as a kid riding a two wheeler the other boys and girls all knew how to ride before I could. Then I finally learned. I remember riding 14 miles at less than 13 years old on a busy freeway to buy a waterproof watch with the money I earned. The digital watch lasted me 10 years and costed $40. Once riding my bike with my friend and his sister we saw a rainstorm approaching and we raced to get to safety. The rain caught up with us as we looked behind each other as one by one we each were caught by the falling rain. We were caught by the rain and soaked but we didn’t care and continued until the end of the road on the water and watched the rain go out across the bay. I could probably think of more amazing bicycle stories if I could think and remember all of them. I often visualized God as a man on a bicycle just minding his business, happy. The trick to bicycling is to not sit directly on your testicles. That’s not good for them.


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